We often forget how important keeping in touch friends from your adolescence is. They know you better than most people, they shared with you the struggle of finding how you fit in the world, amongst them was your first love. I had grown apart from most of them, and set out on a journey of self discovery, trying to define myself beyond the dramas of being a teenager. I felt that in order to do that I needed to cut all ties with those years, and the people who were present then. It wasn't only friends, I also felt the need to pull away from my family and the dreams I had built then. I felt strong and accomplished in doing so, however the space they occupied was left empty and I was incomplete. Of course, I met new friends, some of them have become my family in a foreign land, and I am eternally grateful to them for remaining by my side through the most difficult years of my life, years that have been plagued by a wrenching sense of dread, and a lack of control. Regardless the harder life became the more I retreated from the people in my life. It wasn't until I realised I was not going to take control of my life if I continued to ostracize myself that I reached out to my family and friends, this above all else, above the medication and the therapy, was the one thing that healed me.
A few days ago I met friends from my teenage years, some of them I hadn't seen since we graduated, with others I had only superficially stayed in touch, but with none of them I had shared my history, I wanted them to continue to have the illusion of the strong, powerful, engaged, intelligent girl I was when I last saw them, and allowing them to see the broken, damaged and confused woman that had hidden from everyone felt like a defeat I wasn't prepared to admit. All the difficulties I had encountered and that had delayed and changed my plans and dreams had to be denied, I wasn't prepared to admit that I had not achieved all that I had set out to do. But I had to, my peculiar mind is part of who I am, part of my history, and will forever be a part of me; denying it was no longer an option. I had tried, repeatedly, to portray myself as a woman who wasn't defined by her mental difficulties, and over and over again I compromised who I was to keep people by my side, people who could not and would not love and respect the wonderful woman who in spite of everything always landed on her feet.
When I met those friends from my adolescence they showed me who I really was, deep down, beyond all the masks and walls I had put up. I talked to them about the things I had to overcome since I had seen them last, and I was surprised by the loving way they responded to it, and gain incredible insights from speaking to them, and listening to their own struggles. I was not the only one who had overcome life's unexpected twists and turns, and who had been afraid to speak about them.
I realised that in life there are things that are not negotiable, that the older you get, the more you fight to be who you are, and to weave in and write your own narrative, the more responsible you become with your body, your heart and your mind. You realise that there is not such a thing as unconditional love, or uncomplicated relationships. In our encounters with others we constantly engage in negotiations, in defining new limits, and drawing lines that cannot be crossed; we build up walls that only those who truly deserve us can bring down; we have less acquaintances, and fewer friends, because we learn to keep in our lives only those who can be trusted with your life, those who remain in spite of everything, those who have the courage to speak up when they see you are walking a dangerous path.
I have very few friends, but I am incredibly lucky to count more than I expected. Yes, I have had to say painful unexpected goodbyes, but if there is anything I have learnt from what I have lived over the past decade is that there is a part of me that knows better and gives me the strength to move on from the spaces that will only bring more pain and confusion. I have always closed those heavy doors and never looked back, because I have had my friends and family next to me. I have surprised myself, the courage and strength I have had over the past few months was unexpected but oh so necessary. Yes, tears have rolled down my face until I thought they would never stop, yet they did, eventually, and when that happened I was a happier woman, ready to never cry over the same thing again.And to draw from them the lessons I needed. I am who I am, and who I am is amazing, if someone, anyone fails to see that then they have no room in my life, and those friends I met recently have shown me that they do have a place in heart, and that they, with their love, still see the strong girl I was, made stronger by what she has lived, and has survived because people have remained and have fought for her survival.
Thank you friends, thank you family, I hope you know how grateful I am to you for believing in me.
No comments:
Post a Comment