I need more time to get through the fire

The weeks pass and I have spent the days in bed or in elation, only two options. In my mind I know I need to find the middle way, I must stop this insanity, I must stop encouraging myself. But then there is something else in my mind that tells me that there is nothing else but now, that the middle way is bullshit, and that ultimately wisdom lies in knowing that and not getting caught in the trap of tomorrow. And yet, I spend my days thinking of tomorrow, looking for jobs, adjusting my budget for the following month, hoping maybe I will be able to pay my debts one day. My nights on the other hand are filled with writing and lonely dancing, reaching out to friends and meaningful conversations, all part of a legacy untold. Bipolar even in that... The duality of my existence does not escape irony. 

I used to laugh at people who said that they had an angel and a demon in each shoulder, I am not laughing anymore. Days start so well, I eat and work, take my meds and my vitamins,  and the world even overcast seems bright, then suddenly I am too awake and I know that is a bad sign, that means forty sleepless hours; no medication or lullabies will do the trick, I will drive myself insane, I will see charmless dawns and wish them gone. And then, I know I need a drink, a nice Merlot will put me to sleep, that is the demon talking, somehow it always fools me, because it never works. And so, I spend the next 30hrs in a haze. Angels and demons. 

I have been hearing that things will get better for most of my life, and it did sometimes. I see people who got better, I read stories. My best explanation is that I am not ready for better yet, not to say it has not improved, but I need more time to get through the fire, there are more lessons to be learned and I am not ready to give up. I may end up alone and broken but not everybody came to this world to live a life fulfilled, some of us came to learn some hard and painful lessons, maybe I came to write those lessons.