The girl who lives inside of me...

As I ran back to my flat my fingers ached, they ached to let the words out. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter how many mistakes I make, how much disappointment I leave behind, it is in writing I find peace. And I have made many mistakes, quite a few in the past few days. My head just can't comprehend how sometimes I can so easily destroy what I have so carefully protected and fought for. I think sometimes it is that monster inside, maybe it is not a monster at all, maybe it is just a child, a wise, playful child. She keeps challenging me, pushes me into tight, dangerous corners, difficult spots to get out of. But I do, I always do... Why am I so scared of her? Why is she a monster and not an angel? Why do I quiet her? Maybe she is my muse, I am my own muse.

I can feel her sometimes, I could feel her in my fingers as I was running to get to this screen. She was all in my fingers, she pulled so hard, screaming to get out, that my fingers ached. Now they are just trembling, writing is her drug. My special girl is a wordaholic.

In the days I spent guarded nicotine and writing kept me sane, in the days of freedom writing and loving keeps me mad. This girl is wise... In thinking that the future was a square, full of plans and structures I was drawning in my own little lies, she saved me. Today she has done the same, I was so easily falling back into that sad, grey place. She sabotaged it, graffitied it, trashed the whole damn place, rebelled, screamed profanity to all, burned that place to the ground. In the ashes once again, I started to fall apart, that little spot of self hatred became bigger, I could see it again. She saved me, my fingers ached, I found this screen, and then the words flowed and I could see colours in the ashes... I won't make that mistake again, no point in building anything over such a beautiful disaster, no point turning it into a memorial either, I will let time and the wind blow them into everything else, into my world, my thoughts, my love. She will show me the way to the spot where I shall sit and write...