Past becomes the future...

Restlessness overcomes me... The desire to succeed, to reach the highest heights. Paralysis: the fear of failure. I remember I was different. Driven, there were no limits to what I could do. Now, it is all blank. If I can't reach the heights why try to climb? Is there any point?

Ten years of paralysis now, how do you learn to move again when you haven't tried to for so long? I used to dream of greatness, of recognition. I can't even recognise myself anymore. It seems all I have left are my thoughts, I try now to write them down, to conquer my fear of failure. But we are forever doomed to fail, to always run on fumes. As I sit here and remember those days when the future had no limits, I wonder if I could ever be there again, in that place where the future is a blank canvass ready to be filled with the magical figments of my mind?

Instead, all I have is this blank screen waiting to be written on, to come to existence, to acquire a meaning beyond its emptiness, to become the medium, the channel, the all of my mind. Like this blank screen, it is in writing I find meaning, it is in language that I become me. The rest is just noise. I am a blank page...

I DON’T CARE ABOUT WORDS about their meanings. I CARE ABOUT ME. Am I made up of words, of meanings?

I am Hysterical, the movements of my body are intertwined with These alien words. I am not attacking Anyone, I am just [learning to] speak[ing] my own language.

I give birth, the boundaries of ME have ceased to exist. This foreign land, language, has stripped me off my skin, my cover, my illusions. Now these words flow to the infinite, to be property of all and none, but definitely not mine.
I hate this, I have dismembered myself. This OTHER came to me, inside me, through me, it has undone my truths, and now everything is LIES LIES LIES!!!!!!!
How can I be if this body, my body, is alien to me? It has been scared with their thoughts, dreams, LIES. And I write and if I write I cannot speak but I always speak! This is not me, it is their vomit through me they choose to reject, to justify.
They are me but I can never, ever, NEVER be them, I can’t break them I just spit them out, do as they please, anything I do will always be them, I am not I.