I'm staring into the abyss, not exactly sure if it is an abyss or not, where it ends or if I am already falling towards the ground. The first gloom is not the worst. When it happens at first you don't know why your mind is numb and why your body can't function. It takes a while for the pieces to fall into place and for you to realise you are different, that what you are going through is not normal. And all the times after you learn to read the movements of your moods, to understand them and then you think you can control them, change them, not be that person you hate so much. But with time, and many glooms you realise there is no stopping it, and having spent so much time understanding yourself and reading your moods seems like the dumbest idea possible, because then you know what comes next, and you know there is absolutely nothing that you or anybody else can do to stop it.
As I stare into the darkness I feel that dread, not of the unknown, but of the inevitable. This is just the beginning. All I can do in the process is protect those around me from the unavoidable fall out. No amount of advance apologies and promises of redemption can stop the guilt of the pain I will no doubt cause, or the ties shattered. Depression is the invisible face of this monster that inhabits me, the other face is the one I now crave, the one that fools me with meaning and purpose, because right now there is no meaning, no purpose, just an empty feeling wrapped up in gloom, making an appeareance in those moments when it is least wanted, taking away my carefully crafted smile and all my pretenses. It leaves me naked, vulnerable, exposed. This is not about fighting a battle; it's about weathering a storm. This is not a war, this is just life. Many of the lessons I've learnt I had to unlearn, realising that in my ignorance I presumed omnipotence. The only lesson that still remains is: this too shall pass.
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