In her shoes

Sleepless nights have returned. My sunken eyes can only reflect regret and my dreams are no longer full of colour. I wake up in the morning and I get down on my knees to pray to a god I don't believe in, praying for my sanity to remain, for this unexpected strength not to abandon me and for the forgiveness I cannot grant myself to arrive.

Once again I've turned my world into ashes, destroying my most delicate work of art. No longer a beautiful disaster I have to fight to get up from my knees, to say no to the poison that took my soul away. I spent my life hating her for the pain she caused me, I blamed her, I cursed her in my fallen days, and now I stand in the place she has been standing all this time, how uncomfortable do these shoes feel, how perfectly they now fit me, those shoes I refused to stand on. I am sorry I didn't have the courage to see yourself in me before, I'm sorry I didn't have the humility to forgive you before. I'm sorry it took this devastation to understand you, to love you again. I blamed you for my shortcomings and they were always mine to carry, mine to overcome.

Restlessness won't leave me; this unwelcomed visitor refuses to depart. Thoughts of guilt have chosen my mind as their playground, I spent so long fighting for happiness, and I so carelessly set fire it to it all. So fearful of not having my misery as my faithful companion anymore I tore this happiness to pieces. I didn't know how to be happy, I didn't know how to be loved, I didn't know how to dream. All I know now is that I have to learn, one day at a time, with an aching heart and a bruised soul, learn to love this mess I have become, learn to forgive myself. I will wear these new shoes with pride and with every step heal, with every fleeting moment say a prayer for my sanity, with every breath choose life and happiness. One day at a time. Just for today I will be happy, one day at a time in her shoes.