A year has passed

A year ago I started writing this blog, surprisingly what I wrote then resonates with my troubled mind today. I look at myself in the mirror today to find the same lost girl, full of regrets and questions, trying to find explanations, to forgive herself. The mirror dissipates to leave in front a cloud of doubt, of sorrow. The girl is now a woman, no longer quiet, alone in her sanity, her absence filling the world. The image can now only own up to her actions, no more illusions of grandeur, the limits are so obvious they hurt. I am now only in control of my sanity, the mirror cannot lie anymore; it is now truthful, harsh and bright. Every flaw pointing accusingly at the fate I know have to endure, the self fulfilling prophecy I inflicted upon myself. There is no point in excusing my actions, to spoil an apology with excuses would clothe me with lies, I once again stand naked, more so than before, not making promises because my words have lost their meaning, they now dance around in my head like dragonflies, without purpose, without direction. My mind now moves alone, in an attempt to heal, to change, to be content in its emptiness, resolute and strong. Having lost its anchor, it now seeks to navigate alone, not sinking again.

It is cold out here, as I smoke another cigarette words return; they have failed me this week. They don't want to exist, to come out, to engage in a dialogue with my tired heart, tears have taken centre stage this week; words are just a poor supporting act. Thoughts choose to remain behind closed doors, rather than be subject to my constant dissection. They shall emerge, they do now, as I write, like the ashes falling on the keys, littering my reality.

Another cigarette, another tear, another shiver. My arms aching for company, for warmth, for nights in a tender embrace. Johnny Cash sings in my ears, my mother's blanket covering my legs, my fingers finding their purpose in these words. It would seem a year hasn't passed, but it has, I might find myself sitting in the same place, writing similar words, drowning in emotions, struggling through the pain, but a year has passed, I've known happiness and love, the dull aching pain dissipated for a while, and bliss inhabited my heart , the future was no longer a string of endless days but a beautiful reality, the small loving hours turned into days, mourning for lost lives became easier in the company of love, and I could finally be grateful for every breath, and every tear that turned into a smile. A year has passed, a year that turned me into a woman, a woman capable of loving, a woman capable of living. A year has passed and as I write in a quiet prayer I ask for many more to come, many more years with this new woman, this new vision, this time with an open heart, with this new found courage. Mirrors might shatter to give room to new illusions, dreams will scatter and others will take their place, this joyful girl will grow into a happy woman, weathering each storm and thanking the first light of every new day. My only constant, myself...