Farewells

Saying goodbye has never been my strongest quality. I hold on to things endlessly, unwilling to let go of them. I have had to say goodbye to a lot recently: my job, my wine, my pride, my love. Each one of them has been difficult in their own ways. My job I had been trying to leave for years, attached to it for no reason other than fear. I was so scared of having to face up to rejection, and even worst to my abilities, that I chose to stay in a place where I was unhappy and undervalued, a place that over the years absorbed my life and drove me insane. I am still scared but leaving that job has opened up a whole new world for me, and now I have the time to do what I really want and need: write, read and travel. I have booked three holidays already, and I am thinking of staying in Colombia for a bit longer, something I would not have been able to do if I had stayed in that job. I can now start doing what I was meant to do, whatever that might be, at least now I have the time to find out.

Drinking had become my crutch, my best friend and worst adviser. When I couldn't deal with my job I drank, a lot. Ironically the day I quit my job I drank myself to oblivion, to the point I lost both my pride and my love. I grew up drinking, I grew up seeing alcohol as the go to solution for most problems, and I vowed never to do that and ended up doing just that. I use to have fun drinking, and I use to be a lot of fun when I drank. With time I realised my wine was just my medication, a paleative. I didn't understand why I was different, why my moods were so intense, why I felt so deeply. I thought foolishly that a glass of wine, or a shot of tequila would mask that turbulent self I couldn't control. It didn't, it made it worse, a lot worse. What could have been a wonderful gift turned into a monster. My creative, versatile self was drowned in booze, that amazing woman capable of both flying away with the fairies and having both feet firmly on the ground was now in a sea of self pity and uncontrollable forces beyond herself. My wine took me away and so I had to let it go. The day I lost my pride and my love I decided it was time to say goodbye to drinking. It hasn't been easy but it was also an overdue farewell. It is time I find that wonderful woman I lost a while back, this antagonistic "illness" must also go away to bring me back. It is time to be even keeled again.

I've had to surrender over and over again to the forces of life over the past few weeks, my pride, that stubborn force that wouldn't let me see things for what they were has no room in this new world I'm building. I have been forced to let go of it. When you are down on your knees, when you have ran out of tears, when you just realise there is nothing you can do, pride just has no room in your life. I've had to be humble, and accepting of my circumstances. By letting go of my pride is that I have been able to give up drinking, that I have been able to see the good in these troubling times, that I have been able to be with myself again. I am no longer as proud, but I have courage, and the humility to ask for help when I need it, and surprisingly help has always been there. My pride had its purpose when I was alone, I had to be strong, and independent. I am not alone, and I can see that now. I am surrounded by loving people who have wrapped themselves around me to stop me from fading away, who have cheered me on and have called me on my poor decision making. I couldn't see why people wanted to be around me before, my pride had blinded me to my worth, I settled for too little, I never felt good enough to be appreciated or loved. Who would want this mad woman? I didn't want her. Who could love this mess? i didn't. But people do, they love her, they want her. Letting go of my pride I can now see beyond the mess and the madness, those masks I so carefully crafted to hide my fear, to hide my weaknesess. And now I am learning to love her, finally, shortcoming and all. All those quirks and twists that I hated before I now find wonderful in their simplicity. I used to fall in love so hard it hurt, but I never fell in love with myself, I am now, not hard but softly, in quiet whispers, one flaw at a time, negotiating with my heart at every step. I have to fall in love right at least once...

I am now in the difficult and painful position of letting go of my love. I need to do so to make room for the other love in my life: myself. Like my drinking and my pride, the way I loved was all consuming and destructive. I was blinded by a force I didn't want to control. I used to think love was supposed to be that, like a storm, a storm that takes over everything, and everything was at its mercy. I gave myself completely to it, I always loved that way, since the first time I fell in love. I didn't know how else to do it. And in this way of loving there was only room for one, and that was never me. I have to let go of that way of loving so I can learn to love again, anew, whole, no longer with a guarded heart, fearful of the storms.

I am grateful to my old job, my drinking problem, my foolish pride and my stormy love for the lessons they taught me. Four weeks ago my ground dissapeared and I found myself falling, but I didn't crash, all of them taught me not to crash. They taught me resiliance and self perservation. Without them the ground would still be under my feet and I would still be walking a muddled path, I would still be a mad woman without a purpose, without them I would not be here. Things could have gone awryly wrong, like they have done in the past, but they didn't. I could have taken easier paths but I didn't, I could have let go of my sanity but instead I chose to give this amazing woman a chance. I can't say life is easy now, or that I am happy. I would not have learnt my lesson if I thought it would be always both easy and happy. Life begins in joy and ends in sorrow, it would be foolish to expect the in between bits to not be full of both joy and sorrow. It is how I live those moments that counts, and I chose to live them with love and gratitude, with patience and kindness, I chose to live them with courage and the wisdom the hard times often bring. I chose to live them with me...