When my mind is awake

I haven’t been writing lately, mostly because I have found myself in one of those periods of inactivity that hinders everything I do, errands fall behind, my school work piles up on my desk, and my room turns into a bomb test site. I quietly withdraw myself from the world around me and limit myself to a very small space. It usually happens when my mind goes on overdrive, when thoughts and memories take over and my body cannot cope with the surplus of information and mental activity. Thankfully those periods only last for a couple of weeks and then once I am able to process what my mind has been bogged down with I emerge full of creativity and energy. I have learned to embrace that dichotomy in my make up and not fight it off. I use to do that, those quiet periods confused me and I would think I was going into a depression and like any self fulfilling prophecy I would end up depressing myself and the inactivity would turn into confinement and dark times.  Now I know they are only temporary and that they have a purpose. 

I am not like most people, and I have learned to use those aspects of myself that make me unique to my advantage. I see the quiet moments as an opportunity for self-reflection and rest. Moments when I can take account of my weaknesses and strengths and find ways to harness both for my self-growth. The trick, and most difficult part, has been to find the focus to work on those in the periods were the quiet dissipates. The frustration in the past was overwhelming but now I have come to realise that with patience and a positive attitude I can make the changes that I crave. 

A new period of activity started again this weekend, and even though the temptation to withdraw myself again weigh heavily on my mind today I decided I cannot let this wonderful opportunity go to waste. I’ve realised I am ok by myself and that even if I want to have my love in my life I don’t need him. I’ve realised that I am capable of achieving my short term goals, primarily completing my dissertation, if I apply myself and work on my ongoing issues with procrastination. I’ve learned to forgive when others have harmed me, because I saw how they never intended to hurt me in the first place. And the most important lesson learnt was that I am strong enough to open up to those around me, and that I should not fear losing myself in that process because I have learnt to protect myself, and the growth of the past few months was not in vain. Knowing my nature, and understanding how my mind works has given me those insights, and I am stronger for the struggle in achieving them.