Becoming...at last

For the past week I have been caught in a hazy space, I thought uncertainty was an easy word to write but it is not an easy place to inhabit. I cannot control others but I can control me, and the time has come to make difficult decisions and to take thorny paths. I thought I could wait for the future to arrive, I thought I could exist solely in the present; I thought I could forget the past. This past week has proven to me that I am no saint, and that to accomplish all those things requires a sacrifice I am not prepared to make at this point in my life. True, I must focus on the present, I have so much to accomplish in the next couple of months, and if I set my sights further ahead than that I am bound to trip on hidden obstacles. However the haziness that has overcome me lately has proven to me that to ignore a discarded future and to trust unwavering hearts will only lead to more pain, and to more confusion. In residing solely in the peace of uncertainty I ignored the tasks at hand. Today the fog cleared and my mind finally set its sights on what really matters.

I have for too long now placed my happiness solely in the hands of others, and found excuses for my lack of action. I was bipolar and hence I couldn’t find real love, I had ADHD and hence I couldn’t complete my studies, I was afraid of heights and hence I couldn’t enjoy the outdoors. But I did find real love, I am finishing my masters and I have faced my fears and done things I always wanted to do. Granted, not everything lasts, especially love, but having felt it, having being loved so profoundly and completely showed me that the future is not so gloomy, that I am deserving of everything I dream of, that one day I will become a mother and a wife, that I will find the job I want and that I will fully enjoy my life.

Last week I received life changing news, news that will forever transform the way I relate to myself and to my “illness”. I thought I would forever be at the mercy of shifting moods and an unstable mind, but I have been told things are not as bad as we thought, a significant imbalance in my body had worsen my condition, and now, with some treatment a significant improvement will change my life forever. I won’t have to rely on medication to keep me stable for the rest of my life and with positive life choices I will be able to become a mother without complications. My future is not so bleak and complicated anymore, and my present is now clear. The whole landscape of my life was transformed in one single moment, and I am still yet to come fully to terms with it. The haze has been mostly due to those news, but also because of the implications surrounding them. I have had to take a good hard look at the past and to remove guilt and undue responsibilities. I had defined myself in terms of my manic depression, and had unfairly assumed responsibility for every negative outcome in my life and the lives of those around me. The force my condition gathered gave it a magnitude that was unrealistic and unnecessary. I can see that now and from now on I will have to be more conscious of my circumstances and the decisions I make.

It is now, with this unexpected clarity that I must put an end to the uncertainty a week ago I treasured and move on. The task is hard, and the consequences will be difficult to deal with, but for the sake of my sanity and my self-love I must do it. I am choosing to dedicate the next few months to myself, to completing what I had started, to my happiness, to my health, to the one thing I love doing most in this world: writing. And to slowly start making new plans for my future and to love the most important person in my world: me. A lot can change in a week, and a lot did. And some mourning will take place for those things I was holding on to: my illness, my love, my solitude. Each one of them had an important place in my life, and they served a purpose. I will forever be grateful for having them in my life, and the lessons they thought me. I am a healthier, happier woman because of them, and in their company I found new dimensions in my mind and my heart, they transformed me in incredibly positive ways, and even when they were a negative force in my life they served as a beacon for new paths. Because of them I am no longer static and dormant, I am now becoming, endlessly, forever...