The peace of uncertainty

I have never been quite so content with uncertainty. With time I have come to the realisation that to cling on to plans and certainties only leads to unhappiness and disappointment. For a long time I expected the world to behave according to my carefully crafted plans, I depended on what I foolishly believed were people’s intentions and when all of those plans fell through the landscape of my life caught fire and all that was left were ashes and painful recriminations. Without me even knowing something unprecedented and of enormous proportions started happening inside of me. I stopped caring about the plans, I was slowly setting myself free to live my life. My emotions were once again mine to experience, and suddenly I was happy with the world I previously sought to control, and with the decisions those around me were making. Finally I accepted I could not control everything.

Now that I am conscious of the incredible changes that happened without my knowledge, and I am starting to recognise this new woman growing inside of me I am faced with the challenge of changing the things that are within my control, I had abandoned those, I had put them aside for a long time. Some of them I changed a while back when I realised that ignoring them was stopping me from living my life, but in changing those I have come to see others that are necessary for a new future. I had been toying with the idea of becoming a writer without realising I already was one, and now I must embrace it and start acting like one, and write for a living. The calm that overtakes me when I write is all the confirmation I need...

I may not be in control of other people’s minds and hearts but I am in control of how I relate to them, how I engage with their minds and how I treat their hearts. Nourishing the relationships that matter to me is now one of my priorities. I have learned to love and grow in myself, and I am finally ready to truly be there for others and to grow by their side. The selfish days are behind me, those I needed in order to find peace, and the days of companionship have arrived. I know this heart with its endless love might not have its expectations reciprocated, and that these happy quiet days will not last forever but I am not looking so far ahead into the future, because that future is yet to become mine. But this present, with all its beautiful gifts belongs to me, and in its ceaseless moments I exist, and the only certainty is the love and you.