Yesterday exhaustion finally took over and I had to take it easy for the evening instead of going on the trapeze, climbing, dancing, etc. I felt faint, and nauseous, feverish and tired. My body had had enough, and it was time to give room and time to my mind. I had been carrying a book somebody lent me before my trip but I hadn’t dared read it, I found it intimidating and was scared of what I might find. The book was The Five People You Meet In Heaven. I had heard amazing things about it but the concept just filled me with dread. I have been close to death, and I would hope heaven, and the one thought that came to my mind once I had my feet firmly back on earthly ground was what I would have had to face after my death. What judgements, what rewards, who would be there welcoming me and why. So as you can imagine the book was a bit of a challenge to me, but for some bizarre reason I borrowed it for this trip. Last night, when I couldn’t keep my body busy, I decided to find the book in my backpack, sit on the porch with some tea and a pack of cigarettes and start reading it. It took me a few hours but by midnight I had finished both the book and all the cigarettes...
To say the book moved me would undermine what I now feel. After I finished reading it I could not go to sleep, my mind was racing, full of questions, making me doubt decisions I had made, making me think about the people I have met, and how I affected their lives. I became concerned my actions could have had a negative effect on the people I crossed paths with, and how other people’s actions and words, no matter how minimal changed my life forever. I have lived a life full of contradictions, I am constantly concerned about others and what impression I have on them, but at the same time selfishly putting my emotions and needs above everyone else’s. During my deep, long depressions, everyone around me disappeared and I became an increasingly selfish person, with no regards to the impact my actions, or rather inactions were having on those around me. It wasn’t until I emerged from the dark tunnel that the full force of what I had done hit me, and that would haunt me for a very long time, until it all came back full circle and I would find myself spiralling down the tunnel once again.
When I finally managed to take control it was too late, the damage was done, and some of it was beyond repair. I still sometimes wish I hadn’t crossed paths with some people. Many of them because the hurt I had to endure in their company scarred me for life, and others because I was the one inflicting the pain. Today, however, is not one of those days. Reading the book brought me to a place I hadn’t been to before. I had been too concerned about everyone else I had forgotten about me. Regardless of what happened, of the harm caused, of the joy given, of the heartache and the love, ultimately it would be me I had to face in heaven. Yes, perhaps there will be five people there who will tell me how I changed their lives, and how they changed mine, perhaps they will help me see beyond what I was capable to see before, but the most important lesson will most likely be: how did I live my life? Did I let others have such influence in my life that I relinquish all responsablity? Did I refuse to move from the anger and the sadness and missed out on the things that actually mattered? Did I neglect myself by giving myself completely to others? Did I stop living the present by remaining stuck in the past? Did I let fear rule over me?
As you have probably gathered from my most recent entries a lot has changed in me over the past three months, and the synchronicity of events and insights has left me with more puzzles than answers. In spite of this I have attempted to leave the confusion to one side and try, to the best of my abilities, to live in the now, and to leave the past where it belongs, behind me. I have attempted to let the future become what it must, and stop trying to control outcomes I cannot foresee. However, now I am days away from going back to a reality in need of repairing. The bubble of paradise will have to burst in order for me to start reconstructing my life. Perhaps the sleeplessness last night was precisely because of the challenges ahead and whether I will be strong enough to face them. I believe I am, I hope I am. My biggest fear is whether I will be able to retain this feeling of calm and control, and the insights I have acquired, but I must believe in myself. The impact we have on others is directly related to the impact we have on ourselves. I would like to think that if I continue to lead a fearless life, inhabiting each moment, being kind to myself, and trusting my abilities, and being grateful for the instances that brought me to where I stand then when I finally arrive in heaven the Carolina I encounter, the sixth person, will find me free of fear and anger, fulfilled and complete.
No comments:
Post a Comment