Survival is not enough...

Two years ago my phone rang, devastation permeated everything, all I had tried to do had not been enough, she chose to leave, and the gap, that infinite space she left has haunted me ever since. Her fate is the fate of many, and it has once again struck too close to make it easy to stay upright.

Years worth of memories have come flooding back, the simple laughter of youth, aimlessly dreaming of what can be. Too much gin, silly talk, grand plans.  The future was always so far away, we were invincible. This was never part of it my friend, what happened to you, to us?  when did all the pain become so real?

 I know there was nothing I could have done, as we got older we grew apart, in my bitter years I pushed you away, but that did not change the love and respect I felt for you. I wish I had been there, I wish I had eased the pain, but regrets are what destroy us, they feed the anger, the sadness, the darkness that lead us to the edge of the abyss, they are the ones that whisper in our ears  when the choice is being made, I will not grant them more ground then the one they have already gained.

Two years ago I made  a promise to my lost friend, and I have kept it. In spite of the madness, and the darkness, and the loss, and the anger, I stood at the edge of the abyss and defied my fate every single time. Today, I make this promise to you as well. I will live on, but not just survive like I have for the past two years. I have been reckless with my mind, and I have been dishonest and unkind. I haven't loved like I promise her I would, with every kiss also came a bite, I never committed to my life, I barely occupied this space, all I wanted was to explode. It was a tainted promise. I can't just survive anymore, surviving is not enough. Surviving is a slow suicide. I promise I am going to live, for all those endless nights we spent talking about our fictional futures, for the laughter of young women, for dreams unfilled, for you.