Just as the frosty snap of a late September evening the sad days return. The endless loop of empty days followed by lonely nights; the quiet mind too numb to feel the warm touch of a loving man; the fear returns, the fear of a lost mind; the fear of history repeating itself, of this year ending like last, and the one before.
It is in times like this I am forced to remember what I spend the months of summer trying to forget. It is in days like today that the heaviness of the future looms on me. I woke up this morning with the urgency to forget again, but this numb quiet mind refuses to do what it is supposed to do, it wants to remember, to cling to the pain that no longer exists, to linger in the empty spaces that have long since been filled. On days like today I feel I haven't got the energy to fight this state of mind, take me, drag me to hell if you want, just don't ask me to move, don't expect me to answer your questions, don't make me feel. I want the drugs that will numb me too, so I can ride this time, so I can wake up in a few months time, ready for the happy times again. Sleep the loop, ignore the inevitable changes.
Not long ago I was innocent enough to believe I would never have to feel this way if I was good and followed the instructions I was given, experience has taught me that what has happened before will happen again. Just like the seasons come and go, so does my unstable mind, no matter how hard I fight it, it will come. It has come. Tears have started to fall like the leaves fall from the trees. The season of sadness is upon me. Like all the ones before I must once again stand strong and careful, and watch with longing those stubborn greens that refuse to wither and die, that struggle to push through the hostile soil, like those I shall survive. I must, this time around more than before, it is not only me this time around…
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