The birthday present to myself

 A few months back I wrote a blog entry on my other blog about the things I wanted to achieve before I turned 30 (http://caroqp.wordpress.com/2011/04/15/things-to-do-before-i-turn-30/). As that unavoidable birthday approached I read that list over and over again, thinking about each of the different goals, and wondering if they were worthy of my time. Seven months ago, when I wrote that entry, I felt like a child, I dressed myself in heavy chains because I felt I was incapable of controlling myself otherwise.I was caught up in a whirlwind, I was far from who I am today.

I can't say I am a grown up today, but I am starting to comprehend what that entails, and I can feel that taking shape in me. It means feeling comfortable with who I have become, not only the good bits but also the not so pleasant. I know I will never be able to fully escape my insecurities, I don't think anyone will, but when I was younger they defined how I interacted with the world around me, rather than building my personality around my history and my strengths I built it around a deep desire to hide my insecurities and to make sure that everyone around me liked me. Younger is not ten years ago, or five, or even 3, it still happens, to a lesser extent but it still does. Criticism eats me up, exposing myself to the world petrifies me.. However now I don't shy away from it, I don't run away from those who will judge me, even if at times I react like a child, and I put myself out there, like an open book, in this blog.

I still stand in front of a mirror and judge my body with impossible standards, but I know it well. I know how it hurts, what it takes for me to surrender it to the arms of a lover, I take care of it, I have discovered its limits because I have crossed them all. Even if at times I turn my gaze away from the mirror, I still love it and wouldn't change it for anything in the world, it is mine, not because it was the one I was born with, but because it is the one I have lived in for 30 years, that has carried me through the best and the worst. It is the vessel to my mind, that amazing, wonderful instrument that guides me, that pushes me, that creates and destroys worlds.

The woman writing this today has outgrown the girl of seven months ago. Seven months ago I wanted to go to Vegas and spend a lot of money in the poker tables, instead I came home to be with my mum who hasn't been very well, to be with my niece and my sister on their birthdays, to reconnect with old friends, to be with my dad who I adore, to rediscover partying in my city, something I hadn't done in 12 years, and to spend my 30th birthday with my family. That of course does not mean I won't be celebrating my birthday in good old Carolina fashion once I get to London :-). Speaking of which, after much thinking (a lot in fact, which involved speaking to doctors, therapists, friends, etc), I started enjoying the odd drink here and there. It has been a very interesting experience, from not being able to make a drink last any longer than half an hour, the few drinks I have had since I decided I would drink again 3 weeks ago have lasted me hours. The past 8 months without drinking, but still partying, showed me that the party animal in me was like that by nature not by intoxication.

As I go through the things to do before I turn 30 list, I notice a pattern, there are some things that are rather superflous, like the above mentioned Vegas trip and taking part in a reality show. Those, to be honest, were included to add a flare of fun to a list that was meant to be more serious. Those superficial goals I ignored, and forgot, and now I realised they were replaced by other, more relevant ones, like coming home. The more serious ones however, I held on to all these months, and most of them I completed, or took steps to do so. I completed my MA after 6 years, I made amends for the things I did when I was drunk, however, what I realised in doing so, is that one thing is to ask for forgiveness, a completely different one is to make amends for what you have done. Making amends means forgiving yourself before you ask others to forgive you, and to be prepared not to be forgiven.

I am in a stable, loving relationship with the most important person in the world: myself. It will take time to get over the last one, and I really need to heal. So for now, I have all I really need: me. I am writing a lot, hoping to put together something publishable, but in the meantime I am looking for internships and finding out exactly what it is I want.I am still smoking, but I am giving up. My mum has been a true inspiration, after 50 years smoking, she has given up, and now I am in the process of doing so.

I was scared of turning 30. I was happy pretending. But my dad showed me I was already a woman, and a wonderful one at that. Some say 30 is the new 20. I sincerely hope not. I am grateful for all that I went through in the past decade and the people who taught me the lessons I needed to learn, but I was not really in the driving seat.. Now I am excited for what is to come, I finally feel my feet are firmly on the ground and I am prepared for what is to come: new experiences, dreams, lovers, challenges. 30's, watch out, here I come!!!