Waking up

Life never turns out like you expected it, not 10 years ago, not a month ago. A friend wrote on her blog how we accept the love we think we deserve, the same applies to life. We settle for too little because we are taught that loving yourself enough to go after the things you deserve will make you seem self-centred, cut-throat and not a nice person. We accept friendships that leave you drained and confused, relationships where you put 100% and get pain in return, jobs that don't fulfill you. We fill our days with irrelevant, petty moments because acknowledging the emptiness left by accepting less than what we deserve is just too much. And yet, we still don't fight, we turn the other cheek, we sit while the world and life fast-forwards in front of you. Well, if the past few months have not had an effect on me then I am made of stone. And finally I realise they have...

I use to shatter with the smallest touch, so much energy I wasted on putting myself back together, on justifying all the things I thought were being done to me, and the black holes were so easy to find and even easier to fall into. They were of my own making. This year, against all odds, I survived. I finally realised I deserve so much more than what I have settled for, and that is my responsibility, all my own. I simply walked into bad relationships not because the men were bad but because I hadn't spent enough time with myself to know the kind of person, and girlfriend, I was; and to counteract I became who they thought I was. I fought for friendships that were based on mistrust and jealousy because I was unable to trust anyone. I remained in, and went after, jobs that were easy, and not challenging because I was afraid to fail, and succeed. I didn't deserve more because I didn't want better.

The road ahead will not be easy, but it isn't suppose to be, that is all part of growing up. Not exactly sure where to begin but at least I know it is not here. Like a very wise friend said to me once: "If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you always got". Wake up calls don't wake you up at once, it takes time until you are finally awake to take them...