Blank Screen

It's been a while my dear blank screen. I've been scared. the music comes and I think and I feel, and I don't know who reads you. When I write I could be revealing it all, or hiding myself. But blank screen, most people who read you know I write the truth, or as far as I know of it. I walk life knowing the next step could be my last, my mind could snap, and I could disappear. But that is the gift I was given, I was given the strength to walk away from it all, to say goodbye, to swallow the trembling insides, the images of those I love. But the trembles bring with them a fear, the fear of love untold, and I live. And I live, I live, I live. It's been a while blank screen, because I've been living.

Living has been fun, and it has been hard. I've hurt to the point of insanity, and it has been so amazing to the point of insanity.  And my madness is my partner because nobody else can be, that is one lesson I've learned. And you know what blank screen? That is the only way I would have it.

A lot of time has passed and as much has come to pass. It aches still, around my heart, and I often wonder if it will ever stop. I have managed to empty my mind of all debilitating thoughts, and opened up. But an empty mind and an open heart are as bad as a closed heart and an open mind. They require synchronicity, and will, my will, and that is what is still lacking. Listening to the thud thud thud of my heart weakens me, and it petrifies me when it quickens. But my mind, its voices, its thoughts, its doubts, they paralise me. I often don't hear their truth, like I refuse to let the thud of my heart guide me. I run from both. I only want to listen to my body now, its whims and desires. They are the only ones I can comprehend, the only ones that make any sense. They allow me to drown and scream and beg, and laugh and dance and kiss.  I am always me, and I can easily walk away.  My mind wraps itself around so much, like a tree it grows around others to find strength. My heart wants to keep pumping, and so it finds other hearts with equal passion. I can't trust either of them. They depend on others, blank screen. My body, my body doesn't. Not right now. My body just wants to feel, feel love, pain, pleasure, hunger, satisfaction; all fleeting. All truly wonderful in their brevity.

I started walking  a path a while back, I need to continue walking it. You blank screen know that better than I do. I hadn't written because coming face to face with incomplete work is not satisfying. It was inevitable that at some point I would come back to you, the mirror to myself, blank screen, you are the only one that speaks the truth. And it will take some time for me to learn the lessons that require learning, but I will always have you. As I read back I remember how you've been there through the most agonising and the most wonderful of moments. You, the mirror of me, myself. Running away from my writing is the worst thing I could ever do...