2014

"Failures, repeated failures, are finger posts on the road to achievement. One fails forward toward success"  C.S. Lewis

If I were to define 2014 in one word I doubt I could find a more fitting one than transformation.

It has been a year marked by loneliness and a feeling of being lost at sea. One where I must say I did not see the best in me or gave as much as I could have. It feels, somehow, like a year wasted. Sometimes for lack of action, sometimes due to unnecessary impulsiveness.

I started this year giving up and dwelling on failure rather than resolving it. The lack of work and structure saw me spending endless days and nights locked up in my cave, finding meaning in well, meaningless activities. Every set back felt like a personal affront and I slowly withdrew further and further from the world.

The turning point came at a moment of utter abandonment. I let go of everything, even air felt too heavy. Once again I found myself on a hospital bed, making excuses for my actions, feeling more alone than ever.

Walking out into the warm summer sun I felt resolute, weak but alive. Not having what I wanted, what I foolishly believed I needed, no longer plagued my mind. I knew that somehow what I truly needed to carry on was a little hope inhabiting every minute of my days. Hope that I would wake up feeling better than I felt the night before. Hope that, with some effort, I would be able to overcome the dark feeling of dread inside. Hope that, eventually, a path would become visible if I allowed the fog to lift.

It was almost instinctively that my actions followed my thoughts and I got involved in activities that brought joy and meaning to my days. I let go of the warped idea of success I had, and embraced my circumstances. I saw my solitude in a different light, and waved goodbye to those who did not understand who I was becoming; and decided, wisely, to give all my love to those who did.

Not to say I am not still burdened by multiple demons, and a few ghosts. Those are with me until I am ready to let go of them. But the quiet murmurs of a self willing to fight, and survive, drive me to find the little things that bring me joy, that bring meaning to my days.

I have no doubt 2015 will have a brand new set of challenges waiting for me, many I may not be strong enough to handle, but for now I am grateful for the life I have, for the new dreams I have envisioned, the people by my side and the endless opportunities I have created for myself.