I never thought I would be ready to hear the answers to difficult questions but I am, I have been. A while back I wrote about how fear had taken hold of me and I was under its grip. When I realised that I made the impossible decision of facing my fears and live my life to the fullest, with no regrets. And I have since. It has, at times, been so incredibly painful and the path so thorny that I felt giving up was my only option. However, there exists inside of me a force so powerful that not even my most intricate rationalisations could contest with. That force push me through the fear, and turned my world limitless. Even the most painful moments, those drowned in tears and nicotine, those where nostalgia occupied every corner of my mind, those moments I overcame with dignity, certain of my worth. Getting through the worst gave me the will to face up to life’s difficult questions, questions I had avoided fearful of the answers that might be given. I fought the fear and on the other side it just looked like a petty obstacle and not as an infinite barrier to my dreams.
Since, I have challenged myself every day. Some of the fears I have had to conquer were small and now seem insignificant. Others had so much power over my life that I had learned to define who I was based on them. I couldn’t write because I had writers block and ADHD and for that reason I couldn’t follow my lifelong dream of becoming a writer but instead had to pursue a different career. I was petrified of heights and because of it I couldn’t try new exciting activities. I was scared of abandonment because then I would end up alone for the rest of my life, and so I endured painful relationships that left me scarred and destroyed, when in fact the quiet and insightful space I now have by being alone is the one that has helped me think of what kind of relationship I want to have and the kind of person I want to share the wonder in me with. Being by myself but existing in an uncertain place has shown me the kind of commitment I want and the one I don’t. I now know my value and how in the past I did not get the love I wanted because I was not capable of loving myself in that way. Today, after facing all those fears, and standing on the other side of them, I can write proud of myself, and happy with the life I have built even if it took so much pain, because it also gave me immense joy.
As I sit here with the clear blue sea in front of me, and the peace that comes with doing nothing but what you want, I feel strong enough to accept the answers I didn’t expect and did not want to hear. I am in awe of myself, and I have come to the realisation that nothing in life is constant. We move from one moment to the next incessantly, and all we can do is remain in those brief spaces that we can inhabit and then we must let go so we encounter life again, in the next instant, content and at peace. I can grasp the finitude of my thoughts and feelings in the movement of my existence and I can now see and truly understand that the only constant is myself.
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