The Minefield of Simplicity

I miss the simple questions and the simple thoughts, those where I did not need to explore my mind to answer. I am shackled to visions of past desires and the inevitability of their endings. My eyes are locked on those shackles, finding their place in a new identity. I refuse to let go of them, to free myself, I am trying to find reasons to remain in that place. I ask the difficult questions and no answers are given, my thoughts are laden with regrets and what ifs, obscuring my vision. My world is now filled with smoke screens, hiding the truths I do not want to recognise. The minefield now surrounds me, I tread carefully avoiding the obvious, fearing with each step the shattering of the lies that have become my reality. My pacing heavy with those shackles, unsure, unstable. My heart drops at every turn, expecting the worst. But the worst is already here, I cannot mask it with details and suppositions.

I use to be a pessimist, always expecting the worst outcome. But I have had to learn to be a realist, the worst has already come and gone. Fears became realities and insecurities were made evident in the words of others. All I have now is the pieces of a puzzle left unfinished a while back. I put it aside foolishly believing in love, and my apparent completeness. I believed in promises from outside myself, and trusted their fulfilment was a given. The time I spent putting the puzzle together came and went, and it gathered dust incomplete under the illusion that all the pieces were now in their rightful places. Now I come crashing into the simple but painful fact that I was deluded, promises were not kept, hearts were broken, futures destroyed. And now I must return to myself and assume responsibility for my delusions and carefully remove the dust from the puzzle and start, alone, to put it back together, and to find the pieces that are still missing.

I now surrender to myself, I am attempting to remove the shackles, to stand on the mines that are needed to put my world the right way up again. Simple questions and simple thoughts are no longer part of my mind, and that I must accept. The complexity of my mind I can no longer ignore, and I must embrace it for myself, to imagine it as simple and sitting easily on top of my body would reduce me to parts that are far too minimal, too alien. It does not sit easily anywhere, it wanders and asks the hard questions. No point in expecting otherwise. And so, with an uneasy and painful answer it walks freer, away from the pain of by-gone truths, in search of other spaces to occupy, complete, fulfilled, loved.