Sitting in Paradise

So, I’ve decided to stay in Thailand for longer. I realised there were still many things I needed to do and things to think about. I am starting to realise the wonder in me. I have achieved so much in the past few months, things I never thought I could ever achieve. I had decided I was just going to do my coursework and not be worried about grades or judgements, and surprisingly I got the most unbelievable results, and praise I never expected. I am still sober after 3 months, and it is easy now. All the doubts I had about my ability to deal with life and enjoy it without drinking just dissipated and no longer clouded my mind. I succeeded in doing research for my dissertation and also to travel to places I always wanted to see but had repeatedly said: “later, another time, I can’t right now, don’t have the money”. And just went for it because I wanted to, and because later is not an option. My life is right now, today. To postpone my dreams is to stop living. And finally, I decided to change my ticket and do what I hadn’t done in a long time: nothing and everything. I am going to go trapeze flying, diving, climbing, will learn to drive a moped, and write. And I am going to watch the sunset every day, and be grateful for the life I have been given, a life that makes sense, and that lets me do just what I want to do.

I have also made decisions that had never crossed my mind but make perfect sense now. In September, as soon as I finish my dissertation and my masters, a challenge that has taken me 6 years to complete, I am going to go do 10 days Vapassana meditation in Myanmar and hopefully find new and better ways to deal with my manic depression. Ways that will make the need for medication minimal and that will enable me to continue building the life I want, a life without smoking and with children. A life populated with love, for myself and for others. I will also spend time with some of my closest friends who live far away and I don’t get to see often, and I will go to Bali. But until then I will write, and I will find new exciting paths in my present. I will be there for me, for my friends, for my family and for my love. And today I will sit in paradise and write.