Can I trust my heart again? My head has taken over, and it doesn't want to let go. I have found myself caught in a turf war between my emotions and my logic. How many times do I need to get burned before I know not to go there? The problem is the journey there is so amazing. Even if at the end all I find is a minefield. I have lost my legs and arms to this but I still want to keep going. I can see the other side, beyond the mines, beyond the pain, and I like it. My head only wants to protect me; my heart wants to give me a chance to feel that way again. However this time I can only go in with some insurance. I can't carry on jumping off cliffs and betting my entire life on one hand. My soul requires guarantees, my future needs them.
I can't help but think about all the possibilities of what could have been, if different words had been spoken, different good byes had been given. What is done is done, at least for now. This is the fate that has to be lived with at this moment in time. That at least gives me peace. A long time ago I gave up on predicting the future, let alone controlling it. All that can be done is to leave things to fate. To our ever-changing lives, and destinies. I don't want to let our paths drift away, and it is that constant battle I am tired of fighting. I wanted both of us to fight it, but it was never up to us. I tried, I truly, honestly did. With that clarity I can write now, because there is nothing you can do against the forces of nature. I want to believe that this is not the end, but just a very twisted beginning. We never made mistakes; we just made choices that drove us apart. But those choices will make us the people we are suppose to be, whether we are together or not. I can't change when or where I was born, or the family that awaited my arrival. I wouldn't want to anyway. And those are the differences that cannot be bridged. But they can be the ones that bring us closer. In that unavoidable space between us, that is where love is found, in our desire to make that space disappear. In that space I have found a place for my heart, in that space I have let my fate find its course. I will not trust the words of others, but only my own, and the tender whispers spoken when the night has fallen. The soft breath in my neck, the gentle touch in my skin, the sublime trembling of our passion; all of those in that unavoidable space between us.
In the war between my head and my heart I cannot win. Only fate can. And to fate I leave us…
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