Playing the hand I've been given

Six months ago I found myself in a similar situation, bruised and confused, not quite sure of where I stood or if I stood at all. Today a similar situation but I find myself a different person, not a girl anymore but a woman instead. Then I was so sacred of loss, of loneliness, of failure. Today I'm still scared but somehow it feels different. The fear is not so gripping, so terrifying, rather the fear guides me. I have felt the unclenching touch of emptiness that comes with loss and the sense of failure that usually comes with it but I'm not hiding from it, or trying to escape it. Today I'm standing before it, before reality and the need to grow from it.

I have done what I can right now, I have been dealt my hand and now I must play it, with wit and kindness, but ruthless to the dark. It is not easy, it was never going to be easy, but gambles never are. At times you feel that jumping off the cliff paid up, and that maybe you could suddenly fly, but other times you realise you jumped, that there are no wings, no parachute, no one holding your hand and all you can hope is for a soft blow. But today, I am not leaving the fall to fate, today I've decided to do like a cat and land on my feet. In pain, and a bit broken, but strong, powerful and I would hope, wiser. When I accepted the hand I was dealt the gamble came with it, the cliff, the fall, the emergency landing and the unavoidable consequences, whether those were the thrill of the win or the dread of the failure.

I am who I am today because I don't shy away from the thrill of a gamble, because even if it all looks like a car crash in the making I always hold on to the hope that when I land I will be better for it. I have gone all in in this hand and there is still more cards to be laid on the table, and with each one that falls another choice comes with it, and I won't shy away from them, I won't fold, I won't quit. I once said I was in it for the long haul and that still stands. This hand is not over until all the cards are on the table, all the calls have been made and we show our hands. And even then, we can always start over.