In the small loving hours

In the small loving hours, those when the heart is most vulnerable, ready to accept and take in. In those hours I want you. I still don’t know what happened. I thought things were good, I thought they were great, but sometimes our hearts believe the lies our heads tell us, in those small loving hours.

I blamed you for the pain; I blamed you for the lies. You were wrong, for that you ought to assume responsibility, and I know the day will come when you will realise that the love I had for you was the real kind. It isn’t easier the second time your heart gets broken, but you learn to place responsibility where it is due. I know what I felt, and I know what I could give, there was nothing else I could have done. I was transparent and honest. I didn’t want to play games, but I didn’t want to lose you either, so I chose to lose me in the process. To compromise beyond myself, and to consider becoming your shadow, but I can’t. I am no shadow, I shine too brightly. It was simply not meant to be. Few things are, and that’s why we settle for so little. But like I told you, I shine too brightly to settle for the shadows. It wouldn’t be possible. You my darling need a satellite and I am a star. You would eventually crash into me. I can’t deny the thought intrigues me, but it also scares me. How many planets do I need to consume before I find a matching light? We were not meant to be. But we could have been amazing. All the reasons you gave are justified, I am passionate, I live life to the fullest or not at all, and to ask me to live half way is to euthanise me. For that I ought to thank you, there is still much to see in this universe.

The pain is still there, and the doubts and the guilt and the what-ifs, but those are just the wrong kinds of clothes for me to wear. Right now they are the only ones I can find to cope with these emotions, and with this feeling of betrayal, but in time, I will be able to shed them and see them for what they are: masks that I wear. The pain will fade, the doubts will be replaced by certainties, the guilt will no longer be justified and the what-ifs will become ares. The memories of us will gain their rightful place in my heart as what they are, memories, not unfulfilled promises.

I understand your concern of the inevitability of our passion were we to remain friends, but I still keep the hope that a day will come when that passion that lit up our bodies will become the endearing force of a lasting friendship. We, right now, cannot tell if that is possible. We would be fools to try to predict the future, especially the future of our emotions. But I know the strength of my feelings for you, and I also know that they, with time and healing, can transform into something else. I cannot wait for you to love me, like I cannot wait to feel love inside me, and in that you have a fair point. I do hope that you find happiness and that one day you feel complete. I do, in a very bizarre, dislocated way. It’s like all the pieces of me are there, but in jigsaw, I just need to spend some time putting them where they belong, and maybe along the way some other pieces will appear, and I will try to find a place for them, or I will learn to expand myself to fit them in. I hope you will be able to do that one day, and I hope that that day, or hopefully before, I will see you become that man that you have such immense potential to become. It was not our time, and we were not meant to be, but we could have been amazing. I will not guard the hope of that day ever arriving, you need a satellite and I am a star. I know you want a planet to dance across the universe with you, but right now, you need a satellite, you desire a satellite.

The emptiness in my stomach will remain for a while; the space you’ve left will be unfilled for some time until one of the pieces of my jigsaw finds its way there. It will be a while until the time for the plans we made comes to pass but it will pass, for both of us it will pass. There will moments enveloped in you, moments I will have to overcome, moments when memories of you will take over, but those moments I will ride, I will let them flood me, take me over, but then I will let the flood carry on its course. There will be seconds, and then minutes, and hours, and days and weeks and months but with each passing moment, my feelings will transform. I will never deny the love I felt, even if it was unrequited. I wouldn’t tarnish what we had, the sacrifices that had to be made, the life that had to be ended. I wouldn’t want to forget that. And I know you wouldn’t either. For that, my darling, you will forever have a place in my heart. And I do hope that the day will come when our passion can be turned into friendship. For now, I wave goodbye, and one day I will say hello again my friend. In the meantime, find health, love, happiness, that is all you need.