Every once in a while a shadow envelops me. Today is one of those whiles. It fell heavy, so heavy, unexpected, ruthless, cunning, and it demanded not only tears but also blood. It started with the first light, bringing with it those trembling insecurities, the ones that have made me doubt even the steps I take, the words I whisper to myself, the unmediated thoughts of my restless mind.
Then the shadow sat patiently with me, counting down the same minutes I did, writing down the same repressed words, guiding guilt to the most vulnerable parts of my tender heart. Slyly it disguised itself as my conscience, the one that pushes away before it can hurt, it dressed itself up in wisdom and spoke words of regret, it emulated me and stole me away.
All I needed was some unthinking time, and what I was given was a flood of remorse and doubts, a fading self that can only exist again in pain, a woman trapped in her own speech. All I wanted was quiet: no thinking, no talking, no feeling. Just being, my own beautiful disaster. No need to comprehend it, me.
Two minutes after midnight and I can feel these words driving the shadow away, I gave it one day, one day to reign, rather than a lifetime lurking. It will come down on me again, that is how this works, this arrangement we have, the deal we made to save my life. Every once in a while I am the shadow's puppet...
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