To be a child again…

How difficult it is to recapture childhood memories... We spent the weekend at my dad's house in Villa de Leyva, a colonial town that still reminds the visitors of long ago, a town high in the mountains, surrounded by a desert and luscious greens. Our plan was to do all the things we use to do when we were little, and share them with Luna: visit the fossil, go horse riding, tell scary stories, eat all sorts of greasy food and tons of sweets. We have all changed too much... Adulthood sometimes brings with it a numbing effect that makes us think that we will always have another chance to do all those things we use to love. We did eat a lot, too much really, but we didn't do the other things we planned to do. I spent most of my time writing, and my sisters spent theirs reading. Luna ran around like she usually does, chasing the dogs and riding her horse. We were so caught up in our grown up problems we nearly let go of a great opportunity to be children again, perhaps because we are stuck in that age when we think we still have time to do all those things, that they can wait until we sort out every other thing first. I don't want that anymore. Sitting here, writing, the one place where I feel at peace, I realise that I have wasted too much time being unhappy and dreaming of better times, unaware these are the better times. For the first time in many years I am whole, I am not caught in the whirlwinds of my mind, and I am free and wise enough to make the decisions that will determine who I am going to become. I used to just drown in the whirlwinds and wait for somebody else to make those decisions for me. Those were not the good times, those were the days I thought I was a grown up but I behaved like a child. I did just enough to not sink, barely keeping my head above water, but faking a smile. Always living my life in other people's terms, and forgetting about my own. I spent so long pretending to be an adult that I forgot how to be a child.

It is beautiful on the other side now, to find a place inside of me where doubt no longer exists. I might only inhabit it briefly, and I often forget it is always there inside of me but when I go there I am a child again, not worried about the things I cannot control because what I can control is so bright and amazing that there is no room for anything else. Even if we didn't get to do the things we used to do when we were little, in a way, my sisters and I managed to be who we used to be, and who we truly are. We laughed at each other's clumsiness, we cried at the intrusion of unwanted insects, we gossiped like teenagers, and even if our problems at times got in the way, we did the best we could to keep each other happy. Luna helped us remember that, her laughter and her games dragged us out of our worried heads and bickering ways. In spite of all the sadness in this world we found a corner of happiness, my sisters and I.

It is with that memory that I am now preparing to leave, I wish I could have stayed longer, or that the circumstances that led me to being here on my own were different, that I could share all of this with someone else, but life has a way of making things happen the way they should. I had the amazing opportunity of falling asleep next to my little Luna, before she is no longer little; of hugging my dad and laughing at his jokes; of building bridges I never thought could ever built; of spending time with my sisters like that; of having my mum close to me again. I am two sleeps away from going back to my life, and of starting to live it differently. I am having difficulty believing this is all happenstance, the circumstances and all that has happened, the fact that I am coming back to a blank canvas, that I can start afresh, no longer with borrowed colours but with my own. I wish I could stay longer but I am also excited by this new life I am starting, ready with these brand new instruments to build it with, firmly in a centre inside myself that will guide me, just me, my new life, all of my own.