To limitless corners...

It feels warm on my skin, tender caress of the sun. I am ready to love again. I never expected hypomania to be so beautiful. I used to run around and not eat, not enjoying the silent moments and the seconds of bliss. It is so different to feel high without drinking; the urgency of my manic self dissipates and becomes a gift to my mind. My thoughts are clearer, more solid, more determined. They used to take second stage to my restless body; I didn’t use to be able to grab hold of them, to stop them from racing in my head. They were entities all on their own, beyond my control.

What a different story it is today. Granted I am not in a fully manic state, those have ceased to be since I decided to look after myself and take my medication, but I still feel the elation that comes with the highs, and that feeling that everything will be ok, regardless. The difference now is that I can actually inhabit my mania, it does not inhabit me, it does not control me. I know it is here because of the natural changes in my body and in my surroundings: the sun, the deadlines, the happiness. But I could have chosen to let it take over and ruin the peace, or I could have even decided to ignore it, drink and find myself in a depressive mood. But I didn’t, I chose to engage with it and to embrace it. I am grateful it has come at a time when I need the extra energy and focus, my mind is wise, it knows what I need. Believe me, I want to dance and forget about what I need to do right now, but this mind of mine is stronger than I thought. It won’t let me lose sight of my goals.

This is a time when everything is open to me, even if the only action left for me to do is to let go, to not act, to let life take its course. I think that’s what this ‘illness’ of mine was meant for: to give me perspective and to teach me to surrender to the forces that surround me. I have stopped fighting myself, and forcing outcomes that are not meant to be. With this newfound clarity I can envision a new future, not necessarily that different from the one I use to dream of before, just more plausible, healthier, wiser. I still know that some things are meant to be, but those are at the moment beyond my control, I am learning to get the patience to wait for them to come to being.

These times are the best of my life...

"...I have been made aware of finding new corners in my mind and heart. Some of those corners were incredible and beautiful and took my breath away and made me feel as though I could die right then and the images would sustain me. Some of them were grotesque and ugly and I never wanted to know they were there or to see them again. But, always, there were those new corners and—when feeling my normal self, beholden for that self to medicine and love—I cannot imagine becoming jaded to life, because I know of those limitless corners, with their limitless views”.

Kay Redfield Jamison